Irish Jokes
1. An Irishman  went into the confessional and said to his  priest, 'I almost had an affair with another  woman.'

The  priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The  Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and  rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The  priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as  putting it in. You're not to see that woman  again. For your penance, say five
Hail Mary's  and put $50 in the poor box.'

The  Irishman left the confessional, said his  prayers, and then walked over to the poor  box.

He  paused for a moment and then started to  leave.

The  priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to  him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any  money in the poor box!'

The  Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on  the box, and according to you, that's the same  as putting it in!'

2. Lemon  Squeeze

There  once was a religious young woman who went to  Confession.  Upon entering the  confessional, she said, 'Forgive me,
Father, for  I have sinned.'

The  priest said, 'Confess your sins and be  forgiven.'

The  young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made  mad, passionate love to me seven times.'

The  priest thought long and hard and then said,  'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then  drink the juice.'

The  young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my  sins?'

The  priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile  off of your face.'

3. Looks of  Disappointment

A  man was just waking up from anesthesia after  surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.  His eyes fluttered open and he
said, 'You're  beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His  wife had never heard him say that before, so she  stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes  fluttered open and he
said, 'You're cute.' The  wife was disappointed because instead of  'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She  asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The  man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

4. Catholic  Dog

Muldoon  lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a  pet dog for company... One day the dog died, and  Muldoon went to the
parish priest and asked,  'Father, my dog is dead.... Could ya' be saying'  a mass for the poor creature?'

Father  Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not.  We  cannot have services for an animal in the  church. But there are some Baptists down
the  lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.  Maybe they'll do something for the  creature.'

Muldoon  said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think  $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the  service?'

Father  Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!  Why didn't ya tell me the dog was  Catholic?

5.  Donation

Father  O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this  Father O'Malley?'

'It  is!'

'This  is the IRS Can you help us?'

'I  can!'

'Do  you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I  do!'

'Is  he a member of your congregation? '

'He  is!'

'Did  he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He  will.'

6.  Confession

An  elderly man walks into a confessional. The  following conversation ensues:

Man:  'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70  years, many children, grandchildren, and  great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
picked up  two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a  motel, where I had sex with each of them three  times.'

Priest:  'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man:  'What sins?'

Priest:  'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man:  'I'm Jewish.'

Priest:  'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man:  'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling  everybody!'

7. Brothel  Trip

An  elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the  madam he would like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the
ancient man and asks  how old he is.

'I'm  90 years old,' he says.

'90!'  replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had  it?'

'Oh,  sorry,' says the old man.. 'How much do I owe  you?'

8.  Senility

An  elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I  think I'm getting senile. Several times lately,  I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's  not senility,'  replied the doctor.  'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

9. Pest  Control

A woman  was having a passionate affair with an inspector  from a pest-control company. One afternoon they  were carrying on
in the bedroom together when  her husband arrived home unexpectedly..

'Quick,'  said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!'  and she pushed him in the closet, stark  naked.

The  husband, however, became suspicious and after a  search of the bedroom discovered the man in the  closet.

'Who  are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector  from Bugs-B-Gone, ' said the exterminator.

'What  are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm  investigating a complaint about an infestation  of moths,' the man replied.

'And  where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The  man looked down at himself and said, 'Those  little bastards!'